Chapter Thirty One

Saying Goodbye…

The most difficult task a man has to undergo in his life. It is not easy to let something let go let alone letting ‘someone’ go. Trivial matters or stupid sentiment, goodbyes are one thing every human being tries so desperately to avoid.

‘You have some nerve showing up here…’

Goodbyes define desperation. It also describes loss. Who would want to validate the loss of something precious?

‘You miss me yet?’

Inevitably, all the things we hold dear come about and reach a time where it leaves us, mostly forever. The timing however is what that really sucks.

‘I sense there is a purpose for your showing and I hope it’s not to die off a bullet from my gun.’

We try a hell a lot to keep the special things special before they leave us. If it’s a trophy, we polish it. If it is a food item, we relish it. If it is a person, we shove our ego under and try and make every second with them count. We apologize, we hug, we laugh with them, we cry with. We make sure we have a bag of memories with us long after even they have left us, to keep us company.

‘I know what you are worried off and I know what you are thinking…’

We take pride in the moments and live with our head held high, thinking well about our accomplishments with them. Even the hurt and pain rendered by them to us makes us feel validated because it was there and it felt true.

‘What makes you think that I will listen to you?’

Some goodbyes, they are voluntary. We have control over them. We let someone go just because we cannot deal with them anymore. Even after letting go though, we yearn for the possibility of a future that might have been we had let them stick around. It stirs our soul and the memories here, while hurtful, makes you feel alive. They were there for a reason and we let them go just to escape a possible fate that ‘might have been’ scary.

‘Because I know you…’

So what happens when they come back?

~*~*~*~*~*~

‘I scared you, didn’t I?’

Even with her back facing me, she was able to tell my arrival into her room. Her question was something I expected and I knew what her next question will be when I answered her, this.

‘No…’

‘Then why didn’t you come after me?’

I had the answer for that too.

‘I knew where you went to. You were at Sister Benn’s weren’t you?’

Her silence was always the way she used to answer something she didn’t want to. I loved that about her always. As I walked into the room and closer to her, I also realized that it wasn’t the answer she wanted.

‘I knew you’d need time to clear your head and that’s why I didn’t chase you. The direction you went, there were only two places you can go to. So I knew you’d be safe. It’s not like you need me to protect you, do you?’

Just as I got close enough to her, she rapidly turned around and looked me in the eye. Hers were disturbed and hoping the truth from me. I understood, no matter what I say she wouldn’t believe. She knows me well, just like I know her.

‘Yes…’ I finally conceded ‘You scared me.’

She dropped her head down in dismay and held herself tightly to comfort herself. I wanted to hug her right then and tell her everything was alright but she and I both knew that it wasn’t.

‘So…till dawn huh? That is all the time I get after I say that I love you?’

‘It is not like I chose the time. I chose the fate though…’

‘True. Or at least that is what you want me to tell right?’

She was visibly intimidated by my sarcasm. She also didn’t understand why I was acting this way too. Her head was still down and I couldn’t see her eyes but her body has always been easy to read for me. I was hostile for one reason and one reason only.

‘So what is the punishment for breaking a promise to a loved one? I suppose you found that from Sister Benn huh?’

I couldn’t accept the fact that she might leave me and that I might have to kill her.

Up sprang her head in surprise, facing me with the utmost shock. She never expected me to figure it out, that was very much visible in her expression. I was surprised to see that she under estimated me. I was, after all, madly in love with her since forever. She thought I wouldn’t know?

‘You should know…’

‘I wasn’t gonna know though. You weren’t gonna tell me.’ I got really agitated right then. ‘Your brilliant plan was to keep this silent and somehow go there with us and die? So that you could save our parents and let that son of a bitch have his revenge? Is that all you are made off? You are supposed to be this killer machine right? And look at you! What is worst is that you actually forgot what you actually promised me.’

She was confused now. Her face transformed to a state where she couldn’t tell what I was thinking anymore.

‘You promised me that you will try to survive this. You promised me that you will try. And now you are going to give in without a fight? You forgot your promise again Ayu… you did.’

She let out a deep sigh and shook her head in disappointment. She closed her eyes as she took in a couple of deep breaths and suddenly something bothered her.

‘Ryan…’ she dragged. ‘You told me you real name was Ryan, didn’t you?’

She probably must have played the events of last night in her head and ended up here. I was surprised and pissed that she remembered this and not her promise.

‘Yes. I did. It’s true. My real name is Ryan.’

She seemed to realize something that helped her understand my pain but her expression suggested that she wanted to hear the reason from me.

‘Why did you change it?’

‘I changed it because I hated it.’ I looked at her with a hope that she’ll stop and accept this answer. Boy, was she stubborn or what? ‘I changed it because I hated it. I hated it because my parents had named me Ryan. They were around just to name me and then they left, leaving me to grow like an orphan. Back then, however, I thought they were dead. Every time my name was called out, I got reminded that I didn’t have any parents and I hated it. So I changed it. I wanted my name to signify something strong and that should define me.’

‘Rocky…’ a small smile peaked at the corner of her lips.

‘I was five. Deal with it.’ I couldn’t help but smile too.

‘And…’ she suggested that I continue.

I knew where she was going with this and I didn’t any other way for me to convince her and try surviving whatever was gonna follow.

‘And I got them back once I lost you. They were shocked to know that I had changed my name this way. They tried to call me Ryan for a while but I never responded. My brothers then convinced them to continue calling me Rocky and somehow they budged. I didn’t like them calling me Ryan because it reminded me now that they had left me once before voluntarily. It felt worse than once thinking they were dead. They had left me, left us, by choice. And I had lost you. It was as if fate gave me this curse. In order to gain my parents, I had to lose you. Nine years down the line, here we are again. I got you back and lost my parents at the same time. Now I am stuck in a situation where to gain them back, I am supposed to lose you again.’

I let myself go and let my tears do the job of convincing her now.

She took those two steps that separated us and closed in on the distance. She slowly wiped my tears off with her fingers and her touch made me melt. I wanted this comfort to continue in my life forever. As long as I was alive, I wanted her to be with me and I wanted to feel this way all along. I couldn’t think of letting her go, let alone die. Staring at this situation was just unjust.

‘I want you to try. I want you to fight all odds. You are not a killer. You are just agitated. You have those instincts and they scare you, I know. But it is not a reason for you to die. You will not be enraged enough to kill if people like Sebastian still existed. We’ll take him down! You’ll take him down! We’ll save our parents and we’ll save you too. It doesn’t have to be only one thing. Either he dies or you? It isn’t how this has to go. I want you to try!’

She gave me a faint smile once I finished but I wasn’t really able to understand what it actually meant. She made it look so cryptic for the first time in a while; I couldn’t get a read on her. She moved across the room, to reach the table in the opposite corner where she grabbed her journal that I left there a while ago. She brought it back with her and handed it over to me.

‘What? I don’t really understand…’

‘I want you to complete it.’

I stared at the journal and then back at her. She held the smile on her face still and I could end up with only one explanation.

‘Ayu…after all that I spoke to you now and before. You are still caught up with this notion of sacrifice? Why can you not just listen to me once? Is that too hard? I am not finishing your journal somewhat symbolizing the life that you lived. I am not going to be the one to update about us or whatever happens after in here. It has to be you! It has to be YOU!!’

‘I just want you to take it and complete it when the time is right.’

Tears cease when devastation takes over. You now know that no matter what you do, they aren’t going to change their mind. Letting out a sigh, I let it all go at once. At that moment, I dropped every ounce of hope that I ever had that she would come back to me alive after tomorrow. The least I could was to complete who she was with the best words I could find. I barely had the strength to do it but I slowly moved my hands and took the journal from her. Once I had done that though, something surprising happened.

She held my face with her both her hands delicately and pulled me in into a passionate kiss. As our lips connected, I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing. She kept devouring mine little by little, allowing me to feel every sense of mine rise up to its limits, wanting more. Before she could break it off, I threw the journal down, pulling her closer and allowed myself to reciprocate my feelings. She was glad and I could tell it by the way she let me move onto her further. If only we didn’t suffocate a little without breathing, we wouldn’t have broken off that soon.

We were still in each other’s hands, held up and close. I could almost feel our hearts beating against each other too. Breathing hard, looking into her eyes, I couldn’t help but try once more.

‘Don’t make me lose you. Please, don’t let me lose you. I cannot deal with that loss once more. I am begging you, literally. Ayu, please listen to me.’

‘Ssshhh… ‘She placed a finger on my lips, silencing my plea. She put one hand behind my head and made my head rest on her shoulders. Her other hand resorted to patting my back gently, like a sign of comfort. ‘I will try Ryan…I will try. I will keep up my promise. I will try.’

We gently started swaying at the spot where we were standing and her patting became rhythmic. Somehow, even if I wasn’t able to believe her, I chose to let myself feel comforted by those words. I let it replay in my head over and over again, letting myself understand every single word in that sentence. It was only then I realized that she’d said something new.

‘You called me Ryan?’ I sprang up from her shoulder and looked at her a bit confused.

‘I told you I’d call you Ryan hereafter, didn’t I? You don’t remember? I really like that name.’

Without my knowledge, I was actually smiling. I was smiling, like with all my teeth out. I've never really loved my name so much until now. I hugged her back, now allowing her head to rest on my chest.

‘Your parents named you Ryan and I think you should keep it hereafter. They did come back and that was only because they loved you. They will always. I will save them Ryan. I will for you.’

‘I know you would.’ At that moment, I felt really proud knowing that she was mine.

‘I love you so much…’

It was the first time she told me that she loved me by herself and right at the moment, nothing else mattered to me. All I had was only four words to tell her ‘I love you too.’

Love…

It is a pure emotion that binds us all with the need to be with each other. The only thing it ever asks us in return is for us to keep it alive no matter what happens in life.

‘Hey Claire…Yeah, hi. Yes it’s so good to hear your voice too. Sorry I didn’t call you sooner. You have left quite a number of messages. Well, I am still alive, how about that huh? No…No don’t get tensed. I am fine. We ran into the bad guys once and…Hey baby, it’s okay, I am fine. Don’t cry please. I need you to stay strong with me. I need you to stay strong for me now. There is a lot of shit spiraling around us and I am positively sure that things, one way or the other will get better after tomorrow. I am sure baby. Why will I lie to you? No…I am not crying. No…Yeah okay, a little okay? Always trying to deface me is it? Oh god…it is just so good to hear your voice. I love you baby. I love you so much.’

It exists in almost in every aspect of our life, controlling us in ways that we have no idea about. It is selfless and subtle that it appears exactly when you need it the most, allowing you to fall but not get hurt as it always catches it.

‘I’m glad you made up with Ayu. She was actually very much waiting for this moment. In spite of all this drama, she will now know that she has all of you by her side. I bet you are at peace too. After that little conversation at the club, I really believe so.’

‘Yeah… that was one funny date wasn’t it? We never really got to meet under normal circumstances after that.’

‘D- Duh- Date?’

‘You don’t think that was one? Yeah, it was over a couple of drinks right? And accompanied with some idiotic rattle from me? Maybe this will convince you. After all this is done, there is this wild thing called ‘coffee’ that all these people are trying out at their first dates. You reckon you up for it?’

‘I- I- I would…I would be honored.’

‘I am glad. I’m looking forward to it.’

A wise person once told that ‘Love is a connection, not an illusion. It’s your soul inside theirs and theirs in yours.’ Who knew that it would be such an accurate definition?  It defines the existence of our race and we are who we are only because we are able to love. We are dependent on someone else all our life and love is that connection that holds us together.

So what will you do for that love?

‘I’m supposed to trust you on all this. Is that right?’

How much will you be willing to take your trust with you for love?

‘The action and the choice are yours. It is your responsibility.’

How much will you be able to hold onto so that your love stays with you?

‘You are not even the slightest worried that I will break your hopes like right now?’

Is there nothing that you will stop at for love?

‘I know you…I know that you will try and do the right thing. I know you will try.’

There is no judgement in love. So once in love, always in love and there is nothing in this world that can stop it from becoming what it is. Not even death and kill love for love is inevitable and indefinite.

 ‘Got a minute?’ Ayu’s voice was the last thing I expected to hear at this hour of night. ‘I hope I didn’t disturb your sleep.’

‘Are you kidding me? I can barely lie down without a gun next to me.’

‘Rachel… I am sorry to put you in this situation.’

‘You are apologizing for this? After getting an earful from me already? Are you here to piss me off? I have a gun, you know. You might wanna chose you words with vigilance.’

She threw me a faint smile as an acknowledgement for my sarcasm. Her face, however, suggested something much more serious.

‘You were right. I was over reacting with you. I got caught up in putting the blame on myself for so long, I had forgotten that you also escaped that hell with me, that you have scarred the same way I am. However, you are in this mess, only because I came back to you. I knew you were alive and I knew they still thought that you were dead. I should’ve kept it that way and now you have a target on your back too. That is definitely on me. I have to apologize for dragging you back into this freak show. You cannot deny that.’

In a way, I had to agree with her in this. She was the one who knocked on my door when I didn’t even want to come out of my hiding. She came to me again.

‘Alright, apology accepted. But you should know one thing. If you hadn’t even knocked on my door and I somehow knew that this shit was following, I wouldn’t have thought twice about picking up my weapon and following you in back again. I would’ve really. Deal with it, true fact.’

‘That means a lot to me, Rachel. It does.’

We exchanged a simple hug to ascertain the moment. It was one of the most normal moments that we’ve had in years.

‘So dawn huh? It all comes down to this.’ She sighed as she reminded herself of what lay ahead. ‘What are we going to do?’

‘What do you wanna do?’

‘I want the boys and their parents out of harm’s way. I want you safe. I don’t want them to be in a situation where any one of them has to pull the trigger and kill me. Most of all, I want to keep my promise to Ryan. I want to survive this.’

‘Ryan? Who’s Ryan?’

‘Oh…its Rocky’s real name. Long story. Best saved for a drinks night really.’

No wonder I didn’t see her around for a long time. A lot has happened between them.

‘I just want this to end on our favor, Rachel. I want us to survive this.’

‘You are not the wavering mind that pissed me off last night? You are completely sure that you want to survive this and live a full long life?’

‘I am positive that I want to try.’

She was still leaving room for the unknown. I mean, can you really blame her? I for one however know that she hopes that she survives all this crap and hope for a shot at a happy ending. And I knew for sure that I was going to help her see this through.

‘Ayu…do you trust me?’

Without a second’s hesitation, she answered ‘With all my life…’

Somehow those were the exact words I wanted to hear from her.

‘Then don’t worry about your life. I will save it for you.’

~*~*~*~*~*~

Darkness kept us company when we started our journey. If the sun came out, then it’ll mean that we didn’t deliver. So with the blessings of Sister Benn and prayers from loved ones, we took off to do the most daunting task that we have ever faced in our lives up until now and I’m guessing forever too.

Silence dominated the car that we were riding in and it wasn’t anything surprising. With Deke driving the car and Rachel riding shotgun, the three of us ended up in the back seat. Ayu sat in between us and I held her hand the entire time. My heart was racing beyond its limits ever since I got into the car. Thinking whatever lay ahead of us, I wasn’t even the slightest bit comfortable proceeding with this. With all that’s been revealed and how every one of us possibly feel right now, it takes a great deal of courage on all of our parts to actually get into the car and go on with this with our sanity intact. If my family wasn’t with me right now though, I would have lost it a long time ago.

Looking out the window, with all the places that was passing us by, I felt weird. I recognized them all and where I have to feel proud that I know my home well, the familiarity terrified me more. With every place that we passed by, it meant that we were one step closer to our destination. The old mansion where it all began nine years ago, where I lost Ayu and ourselves to fate’s play awaited us with the next level of play. It seemed like our lives made a full circle and here we were once again with the odds not so favorable against us.

 Without my realization, I had been squeezing Ayu’s hand tighter by the second, making the grip harder. She slowly put her hand on mine and brushed it delicately bringing me back to reality. Looking at her face, I was baffled. She was calm and composed and she even had a smile on her face. For the past few days, I never saw her be this way, at least not voluntarily. I was here, shaking from the inside out and her current serenity rattled me further. She clearly saw through my fear and defensive attitude and by her eyes I knew she was going to make this ride, a moment for all of us to remember.

‘Hey Deke…’ she called him out. ‘Why is it that you are the one that’s driving? Always have to play the alpha male, is it?’

For a moment he was silent and motionless. But then I noticed them making eye contact through the rear view mirror and Ayu reassured him with her smile.

‘Of course Ayu…’ he replied with his usual swagger. ‘You know that I already am the alpha male here. I need to remind you all though, you know, from time to time.’

‘Wait…’ Sean cut in confused. ‘The two of you are talking now?’

Rachel slowly turned around and looked at Ayu. She winked at her and that’s all the signal that she needed.

‘You are the ‘Alpha’ male? Give me a break! Are you kidding me? you are not even close to being a normal male, let alone be an ‘alpha’ male!’

‘Hey! I am very much a man. I had the guts and persistence to read through that devastating story in that journal while all of you just stood perched in your own sweet corners, crying through it.’

‘You just read the story man. I happen to live through it and survive. Who’s the pussy now?’

‘Um…still you.’

‘You might call me that just because I am a girl but do know that I am way more qualified to kick your ass.’

‘Oh please don’t make me start talking about your ass. I've been trying so hard to not make a comment on that perfectly fine part of your body. You know that you are too hot to be a doctor right? Seeing you probably patients with a cold might end up with a heart attack.’

‘How about you see me as a killer?’

‘How about you try and kill me?’

‘With absolute pleasure, I would do. Shall I call Mia?’

‘Oh no, you wouldn’t!’

‘You wanted it, buddy!’

‘Wait…’ Sean was clueless once again. ‘Deke is scared of Mia?’

I couldn’t really believe what had happened but I realized that I was laughing. To feel this kind of normality among us was the last thing I imagined to be feeling now. I looked at Ayu now. She was still smiling and her eyes were beaming now from realizing that I am laughing. She was now holding my hands with care and stroking them gently allowing me to calm down. A small amount of hope and a part of me started wishing that we break through victorious in this battle and I’ll get to have this comfort all through my life, with her next to me. Right now though, I only had one thing to tell her.

‘I love you…’ I whispered to her.

‘I love you too…’

And so we kissed once again, this time we didn’t mind who was around or who saw us too.

‘You might wanna slow down there bro…’ Deke commented as we broke off from our kiss, our faces going pink with shyness.

‘Wait…’ Now Sean had completely lost it. ‘The two of you are kissing now? What the hell? How much did I miss? How many days passed huh?’

‘Aww…Sean…’ Ayu gave him a hug, consoling him while the rest of us laughed out loud.

The journey was still on but right now, somehow, with all these smiling faces around me, I felt safe.