Chapter Twenty

I knew life sucked most of the time. The magnitude to which it can go…I had no idea.

I had been reading the words out loud. I decided to do so thinking that it would be better it was all out in the open, so that no one would have any inhibitions of their own to face the truth. Now I stood there, visibly trembling, the book in my hands and tears welling up almost in the corner of my eyes.

Ayu was not one of my favorite people. She never made it to any of the lists I maintained of the people in my life. She was there, alone, in a list I had only for her. I call it ‘The Mysterious’. She always was a mystery to me. I’ve never liked people who were mysterious or at least seemed like one to me. Life is too short to sit and act all unknown and silent and creepy. That has always been my policy and since day one, Ayu proved to be otherwise. She kept to herself most of the time and I've seen her before Rocky took an interest in her. I was always intrigued by the mere thought that was stuck in my head every time I looked at her sitting in a corner, whiling away time. She had to be the most care free person, I used to think, and she had to be the one without any worries in her life that she gets absolute peace when she is sitting alone. Little did I know that I was in for a surprise!

When Rocky suggested her moving in with us, I was thrown. I wasn’t even completely out of grandpa’s death and here was my little brother, jumping up and down, insisting some random girl who shed a couple of tears for our grandpa come and stay with us just because grandpa made him promise something. Bullshit, I’d thought. I’d also thought an assorted range of words that cannot be mentioned. I didn’t want someone sabotaging the already broken family that we were. Then again, the middle one is always overruled, at least at my place.

The initial reaction or approach towards Ayu on my side was distaste. I didn’t welcome her with open arms and wide smiles as my other brothers did. I resented her presence and I made sure that she knew it. I’d shown faces, made noises and also even spoken words that’ll question anyone’s sanity. Yet again, surprise slapped me on my face.

The entire first year that she was with us, I’d been that way and all along, she’d accepted it. She’d looked at the faces, obliged the noises and even smiled when I uttered those disgraceful words. She took it all and still did. Even after nine years, when we reunited, I didn’t know how to move on with her. I had maintained my resentment, wondering how else I could communicate with her. She took it again and also took care of me when I needed help. She was still the same, though changed in many ways. What she didn’t know for a fact was that, I’d changed too.

Ever since she vanished off mid day when Rocky was celebrating his thirteenth birthday, I’d been angry with her. Furious and repelled by even the mention of her name. She left the people who wanted something good for her. She’d left the only people who’d even dare to care for her. She’d left the only family that she’d ever known. Why would she do that? Why would she?

Then I started to add up the possible reasons, list them up like I how I list every other scenario in my head. I couldn’t believe myself when I realized the reason that topped the list. The one, true possible reason that I could think of for her disappearance was…me. I, me, myself. The one and only person who’d hated her so much that she’d run away from us, not able to look at me in the face anymore. I had enabled her fleeing. I had done enough damage to her that she had to give us the sorrow that lasted nine years. Sorrow that she gave me that lasted nine years.

I’ve always known or hoped that we’ll find her someday. That day, I planned, I wished, I promised myself that I’ll apologize. The day had come and she was right there in front of me. Still, my cocky attitude against her hadn’t left me. I spilt words that I cannot take back before. This time I made sure I never spoke. I made sure I never spoke to her. Maybe then, she’d stay and put my brothers out of their misery. I sat there quietly every time she’d pass me or talk to any of the others. I was making sure that she stayed so that Rocky would finally realize his love for her. I did all that when I kept blaming myself.

Now after reading all this, I can barely breathe. I had been blaming myself for all these years for her runaway and there hadn’t been a day where I wished I could’ve changed it all over. Now that I know the reason, there was, is and never will be anything that I would’ve done to make it better. She was taken from us when all along she had been trying to save us.

She had saved us. She had saved me.  

A sudden shudder brought my attention back to reality. It was Sean, trying to muster up all the courage he can to fight back the tears that were chocking him now. I immediately turned my gaze to Rocky and found him in an even worse state. Hands crossed across his chest, balancing himself on the wall, his head resting on his chin and his eyes letting all the tears flow. I saw Mia who was still in the same position where she’d been standing since she gave the book and the new girl, Rachel, I suppose, was looking through the window, the moonlight graciously reflecting off her skin.

It was a state of melancholy and no one wanted to speak. I certainly didn’t want to. If there was something worse than knowing your best friend hadn’t run away but abducted, it was getting to know that it was your father responsible for it to happen.

Our father.

My memories flooded back to their entry, or should I say, re entry in our lives. They had shown up at our door, less than a month after Ayu left, I mean, Ayu was taken away. We had no idea how, why or when they came about. Grandpa Harrow raised us as orphans, telling us every day that our parents were dead. They had done something so cruel enough that our grandpa had to tell us his own son was dead. They had; of course, left us just like that to get on with their lives. Now I wonder if grandpa hated dad so much because he knew that his son was a criminal, a child abductor. Did grandpa know more about his son than whatever we knew about our father? I knew one thing for sure. Ayu had made our dad come back home. She’d given us our family back.  She’d given me my family back.

‘What happened next?’ Rocky’s shaky but audible voice filled our senses all of a sudden. ‘It’s obvious the traitor came back to us. What happened to her? Why is she caught in this crazy show?’

Silence surrounded us evenly. Two out of the five of us knew the answer to this question and both of them seemed to be biting on the words that were inside their mouths. They want to tell it to us but it’s too much for them to handle. They don’t want to revisit what might be the most dreadful thing that could’ve happened to their friend.

‘Rachel…’ Rocky tried to keep it all together. ‘…I need to know.’

Rachel, helpless and cornered, turned around to face us, the moon light still radiating her. Her eyes were hapless and she seemed to be in much more pain now than she was a while ago when she stitched up herself. She wasn’t going to talk…not today…not ever. I knew that much for sure. Mia wasn’t strong enough. I knew her enough to understand that. Sean and Rocky were as helpless as any of us can get. I knew, right then, what I had to do.

I knew for sure that I wasn’t going to like what was going to come next. I had to do it because I was the heartless one. I chose to be that for the moment and continue on the path to find the truth.

I opened the book and it fell open on a page that was marked on purpose. The first few words confirmed my worst fears and the reason why it was so abruptly marked. I took one last glance at all of them in the room and started to read out loud once again.

‘May 13^th, 2006…’ all eyes were focused on me as my voice filled the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~

May 13^th, 2006

I knew where I was now. I knew what I was being treated as now. I knew exactly what all of this was about now. I have been here for four years now and I should know where I am by then.

And I do…at least that’s what I think.

I am in an abandoned structure. I figured that it’s probably far away somewhere in the outer where the people barely even have any business to even know that it exists. This building resembles a lot of places but I have come to conclude that this maybe one of those out of the box asylums. Abandoned asylums to be precise. This was a facility, at least maintained as one. There were rooms and lights everywhere I saw. There were also men, huge build and proportions, everywhere I saw. They were high end and they were guarding the place in every nook and corner possible. Whatever was going on here was something serious and beyond my understanding. That’s what I convinced myself since the day I came here. But the things puberty can do to your head!

The clarity that emerged out of my head just as I hit puberty the previous year had been nothing but a curse for me. I had started to see things more clearly and understood every threat that was stationed around me. The happenings, the movements, everything seemed more clear than it had ever been.

Most of it all, I understood what was going on here.

I wasn’t the only girl around. In every room that this ‘facility’ housed, I bet my head that there was a girl in it. We were being used for several other things. We were basically being trafficked but that wasn’t the end. Some girls were used to deliver drugs out and around several places; some girls were used as slaves for this place while there were some unlucky ones who’d succumbed to the mere pleasure that these monsters had craved for. The girls were too tender to handle the monstrosity. They were too unfortunate in all.

This, I have mentioned in several other entries before, was the most confusing part. I've been here for four years. I have been out of my room for about a total of thirteen to fourteen times in all these four years. Every man, woman and weird looking monsters looked at me like I was something too different or even more clear, weird, that everyone had to disgust in my presence. I wasn’t sure if it was disgust on the women’s side. They should’ve held what I realized later was pity. So that’s what pity looks like, I thought to myself. The fellow girls had gone to a worse state where they’d gotten over self pity and have started to pity me. I still wondered what we did in our lives to deserve this fate.

Since puberty hit, however, I have been able to differentiate a lot more. My body held more impulses that I had held years before. Now all the stares that I had were feeling different to me. Just like I had been able to identify pity, I'd been identifying something else too. And I must say, I didn’t like it one bit.

For every day of the four years I've been here, there have been two people monitoring me. One lady, calm, quite and caring. She’d just come in, look after me, clean up after me and leave. She, I guessed, was to monitor my growth. Then there was…him.

There was one guy posted on my door since the day I was pushed in. He’d held a gun and he’d always stand in front of the door, heaving or breathing heavily to tell me he’s there and also rattle on my door, partially to scare me. I was scared. Every time he’d rattle on the door, I’d shut my eyes completely, blacking the gory images that conjured up in my head.

He can do anything to me. Just anything that he wants to!

The one line used to echo in my head, even when puberty was a far call. I was almost aware of the outside world and all the cruel things that they might do to a girl who was…let’s stick with helpless. Every day, I prayed that the look in his eyes would change and the noises would stop. Every day I used to believe that this bad dream will end.

For four years I did. Until this day happened.

It was a quite night. By the glimpses what my memory held, I’d say it was about ten at night. The air was stale and carried faint noises, whimpers or shudders from around. Every night, when all was silent, I’d hear running water constantly. It wasn’t as shallow as it might be from a tap or a pond. It sounded like a creek or it even had the possibility of it being a lake. Every time I hear it, I strain my brain to remember the little bit of geography that was started in my school and wonder where in Texas will there be a lake so close to a damned place like this.

Like every other night, I’d failed to make the connection.

My memory is frizzled, unlike my childhood memories that are still pretty vivid in my head. I assumed that it was trauma that caused me to forget a lot in the process and my documentation has been much…unorganized. Yet, certainly, these incidents that I write now…were of prime importance. It changed me…forever.

Lying down on the disaster of a bed that was given to me, I’d been scraping paint of the wall. It’s honestly been the only proper thing I've been doing all this while. I’d even actually managed to scrape part of the wall clean of the beige paint it draped. Another routine night where I’d drift into the sleep without my knowledge only to wake up and relive a day in hell, I’d thought and I clearly remember.

Not a minute after I’d cleared another area in the wall, the door behind me creaked. I lay still in my bed; not daring to turn around or even move an inch to look or wonder who coming in. If it was the nice lady who’d taken care of me then I’d have no problem. She’d think I had slept and left after doing her work. But what I had heard had confirmed my worst fears and I was now frozen to the position I was in.

The loud echoes of cowboy boots was closing in and every echo meant that he was taking one step closer to me. It was him, I knew it for sure. He was the only one, at least that’s what I thought, who had access to my room other than the lady. No one else had even dared to come by my room, which only made me wonder even more. Why was I being held here still while the other girls were either dying or vanishing? What made me special?

The sound grew louder and it raised my blood pressure. Adrenaline was kicking in too much that I was barely able to control my body. Fear was overwhelming in me. Fear. The one factor that they thrive upon in innocent people. He was going to make me fear and I was fully aware of it. I was losing control and fast.

Finger by finger, he laid his hand upon me, feeling the exhilaration that it gave him while I was there fighting my tears to gather some strength. He was there and he was going to do it to me. He was going to do that to me!

‘Turn around, honey…wake up and look at me!’ he tried to sound seductive but I barely registered it. Automatically, my body went rigid, refused to oblige to his command. Then again, he was the stronger one.

Slowly but steadily, the hold on me still firm, he turned me around so that I looked right into his eyes. What I saw next, clenched my heart and tied it up into a knot. What I saw with my eyes was too scary to be felt again. It was lust and it was fierce. He was rejoicing, as if I was a prize. He was celebrating, as if he’d been waiting for me to become this for a long time. He was relieved that he’d gotten me alone. He was salivating as if I was his prey. He was there, watching every bit of my body, making me cringe at his sight, but yet there he was, ready to pound me down till I’m dust.

A slow tear escaped my eye and a single word managed to make itself out of my mouth.

‘Please…’ I’d begged.

Without another delay, he’d pounced on top of me. I was under him, struggling with all my might while his peer strength was too overwhelming for me to deal with. I was going to go down to his sleaze passion without a fight. I was going to become one of the girls that went down without a fight to the monstrosity that these thugs showcased. I wasn’t fighting and I was going to die. I wasn’t fighting and I was never going to see my boys again.

My boys…my family…my life! Rocky….

I wasn’t giving up yet!

The dreaded man was still trying to break through my feeble barrier that I’d put up with my hands so that he doesn’t land his lips anywhere near my mouth or my chest. My hands were wet from all his licking and I decided that I’d had enough.

I twisted my legs around that met with his, intertwined with his and threw him off the bed. It wasn’t a hard push but he was in such a vulnerable position that had helped me tremendously. He was gathering his wits down on the floor and I started towards the door. My screams echoed around the halls and I was damn sure that there were other guys who’d be watching the other girls in other rooms. I was pleading into the air and trying to jerk the lock open. It was then I’d found out that the door had been locked up from the outside.

I was screwed.

I gradually slowed down and took two to three deep breaths as I realized his position behind me. He was now up on his two feet and he was smiling at me. I slowly turned around to meet his eyes, still filled with the lust and craving he held for me and the smile break through every inch of my personal barrier that seemed like a pack of dust now.

‘I’d been waiting a long time for this.’ His sinister voice spread out in the air, giving me the chills. ‘Ever since the first day you came in, I had my eyes on you. I waited for you to bloom so that you’ll be whole and you’ll know what I did to you. I’m going to take you, baby. None of your screams is going to save you.’

His words were still echoing in my head as I saw him slip out his pants and throw it away to a corner. My heart beat did know no bounds and if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve sworn that it was up in my throat. The picture in front of me was shabby…terrifying to be precise and I had to fight it out. I had to survive him…even if I have to kill him.

Before I could blink again, he was onto me, this time getting even more aggressive. He shoved me to the opposite end of the room, the corner where his pants had landed. I put myself in the corner most position and waited for him to move. He was standing there, looking at me; his head tilted in an angle that made me feel sick. He was undressing me with his eyes. He was playing with my sanity. The very thought of realization hit me like a tornado and I went into a lockdown. He was going to take over my body. He was going to make me into a filthy piece of shit.

No…he wasn’t going to do anything to me!

A sudden rush of adrenaline picked up in me. I was seeing more clearly and now I knew what I had to do. I took one last breath and grasped myself for what came next. And then…it hit me.

Grappling my head and neck to a firm position, his hands separated the rest of my body from my head, which I guessed that he’d be attacking first. My hands were fidgeting but the thought of touching him in places his pants weren’t covering him anymore, repelled my instincts far more than I’d anticipated. I was struggling under his hold as he leaned in and placed his lips upon mine. It was hard and cold and reeked of tobacco. He’d been smoking almost every time I've seen him but I didn’t know that I’ll feel it one day.

Bile rose up to my throat and I was very tempted to vomit on his face to repel him further. Then again, it wouldn’t do any good. I was going to be wasted anyway.

‘Hold on now baby…’ he chuckled in my ear. ‘…let’s get this ridiculous cloth off you.’

His hands started to slide up to my waist and he was closing on in my breasts. I was well aware of the moment and yet, I froze. I was lost of actions and even a motivation to escape and live another day. I was giving up…I was faltering and falling deep down under. I was going to die. I was never going to see my boys again.

His hands came to a halt as he reached the center of my breasts and he was breathing hard. With another deep breath, he held my collar tight enough to rip it apart. He was going to see through my sanity and only one person can do that to me in my life and he wasn’t the one. I was searching for courage, I was searching for a reason and I was searching for him.

Rocky…

Eyes closed and spirits enraged, I let the adrenaline work. Without a second thought, I kicked him in his now exposed groin with immense pressure. Almost immediately, he’d let go of my collar, yelling and wincing in excruciating pain. I knew the pain was excruciating because I was wincing in pain as well. My knee was throbbing in pain but that didn’t matter to me at the moment. I needed him gone…somehow.

I reached down and grabbed the pants he’d thrown off. I grabbed to hard enough to twist it around my hand, my eyes still focused on the douche bag who was now dancing around, holding his privates in a desperate attempt to reduce the pain. I was ready. I was waiting. When he came by me, I was going to strangle him. I was going to strangle him until the other douche bags that were outside aiding his little uneasy stint, opened the door to save his sorry ass.

His sorry ass…not mine!

A sudden rush of emotion took over me unknowingly. He was finally going to pay for all the sins he'd done in his life. He was finally going to give me the solace, the peace that I’d been longing for with his screaming. I was there and I was ready.

The single light bulb that hung on my dirty, torn down ceiling was shining a little more than it used to. Or at least, I was finding it clearer than it usually will be. What gathered my attention wasn’t that but something that the light genuinely reflected off, giving out a gleaming effect. It was from his back pocket that was now curled up in my arm and I felt something hard yet thin and sleek placed inside. Lost completely for a moment from the present situation, I let go of my hold on the pants and started to explore his pocket. When I’d grabbed what was inside, I’d felt a sudden shift in the atmosphere around me. Silence had taken over the frantic creaming and rage had taken over the lust in his eyes.

With two long steps, he was right in front of me, pinning me to the wall, his hands chocking my throat.

‘Smart bitch…’ he scowled at me with the rage in his eyes emitting in his voice. ‘You think you’re smart? I’ll show you how much of a sicko I am! I don’t mind engaging with a dead body, as long as it is still fresh meat. Too bad, you won’t feel or even see me feel the pleasure I take from you. You are dead meat, bitch. The things I’m going to do to you…’

Gasping for air, I let his pants slip off my hand. I did, however hold onto whatever was in his pocket. He was visibly strangling me and I was finally letting one of my hands fight against him. Fight, fight, fight! I kept commanding my left hand while I worked out what I was holding on my right hand. It felt cold and it was heavier than I’d thought. It was long and it ran down my arm perfectly. I suddenly stumbled upon a small upward incline in the corner of this unknown metal and when I pressed it, I knew at that instant what I was holding.

‘Are you ready to say goodbye?’ I needed one last push to jerk off my adrenaline and he'd done exactly what I wanted him to.

In the blink of an eye, he’d moved and I’d reacted.

I was still breathing, now maybe breathing harder. I was still alive, though I felt as if I barely was. I was standing on my legs, though they were shaking like hell that I couldn’t feel them.

I was okay, though still I was crying out loud in vain.

Of all the things I’d imagined that I’d become in my life I knew for sure I never imagined that I’d become this. I saw the sight before me and I could barely swallow my saliva. Tears were overwhelming and I wasn’t even trying to control it anymore. It was gory and I’d created it. I shouldn’t feel bad for this but I did. I felt like a wreck. I felt like shit in spite of the greater good I had done.

I saw him, dumped on the floor, in his own pool of blood, down at my feet. He’d pounced on me once again and the immediate realization of the fact that I was holding a pocket knife, made my instincts go haywire and react accordingly. I’d slit his throat almost with immense force, he'd succumbed to it in a matter of seconds.

His eyes still looked up at me, now filled with shock. He'd met his demise from a seventeen year old girl who barely was able to find her footing before. He’d died of his own weapon that he used to probably terrorize many other innocent girls. Most of it all, the shock in his eyes told me that he didn’t expect me to be capable of such an act.

Of all the things that I’d imagined to become in my life, I knew for sure, this wasn’t it.

But it was what I was now. It was what I will be. It was what I was going to become.

I was a killer. I am a killer. I will always be a killer.