Chapter Twenty Eight

Retracing my steps has never been my favorite thing in the entire world. To retrace under such circumstances is hurting me much more than I ever thought it would.

Deranged from the conversation that I had just an hour ago, I found myself unwinding slowly and before I could realize I found myself retracing my steps. I mean it in the literal sense too. I was now sitting in my old shack that I used to call my home before I moved in with the guys. It was always situated at the far end of this establishment and I was actually surprised to find it still there. It wasn’t in its best shape. It actually never was to being with. When I used to live here, it was just a structure that existed in a hazardous manner but lay around like a small room. It was an old wooden cabin apparently. It was what was left after a storm hit that area. I still remember how I asked Sister Benn to help me make this my own sweet corner. She helped me put in a bed, set up a sink and a couple of chairs with a table to help my studies. Now it had almost fallen apart. What used to be the roof now was down, depleted into half and the wooden floor was half rotten thanks to termites. I still wasn’t sure how I ended up here but I was there and I was feeling at home. The room that I left was still there, the bed was ridden with dust and the table was missing. The rest was as old and out of place, just like me.

I was breathing heavily and I knew why. All that bravado and attitude that I showed before was now fading away and I knew what lay ahead of me. The fate that was waiting for me due to my choices was now creeping into my head, giving me the chills. But I did know that no matter what I feared, I had to do what I told I would. My end would be the only thing that will let the happiness continue in their lives. I have to do it for my boys. I have to pay for my sins.

Before I could realize what I was doing there, I had been pacing up and down since I had been there. My stomach was churning in dread and my head was already spinning. What gave me a little bit of relief was that, none of my friends were here to see my weak side. I can’t let them know my fear.

‘So it was all an act… just as I thought so.’ And I spoke to soon.

I turned around to find Rachel standing there, leaning to the wooden post which used to hold the door, staring at me against moonlight.

‘What are you talking about? What are you doing here?’ I retained my cold attitude in a desperate attempt to hide all my terror.

‘Oh lose the charade already Ayu! I know you too well. The whole ‘cold heart’ crap may work with the boys but it will not work with me. I've been there when you’ve been at your lowest and I know how badly all this affects you. So stop trying to play me.’

She was right. She did know how much I am affected by all of this. But I needed to set certain things straight.

‘So… that is going to make a difference? Do you think so? What is written for me will be done one way or the other. What are you going to do about it?’

‘I can help…I can fight with you. You cannot handle all this alone Ayu…’

As almost immediately she uttered those words a surge of rage, anxiety, guilt and anger rushed through me that my pacing stopped. I balled up my fists trying to control those emotions but my mouth seems to be against me.

‘Help me? Rachel. Are you insane??’ I started screaming at her. ‘Helping me once has given you enough distress that can last for two life times. You want to help me again? You have lost your mind!’

‘I… I don’t understand your implication here.’ She seemed visibly confused.

‘You don’t have the necessity to help me. This is my trouble. You have no need to put yourself in any position that would put you at the helm of danger. I have enough guilt in my heart already. I cannot have you added to the list. No way… not now. You do not owe me anything.’

A momentary silence existed between us and somehow it was disturbing. I had my back to her all this time and I didn’t understand the notion behind the silence. When I turned around however, I had something else in store for me. She was standing there, with the wildest expression on her face, pinning her feet firmly to the ground stopping herself from attacking me. I was bewildered by her body language and I knew I had spoken something wrong. I opened my mouth to try and correct my words when I was stopped by Rachel’s eyes, now staring me down and sending a chill down my spine.

‘I owe you? I owe you, really? Ayu…I love and you all but all that’s just bull shit!’ I have never seen this side of hers. Her voice was hard and authoritative as opposed to her low key tone and her face was enraged and red. ‘You cannot talk like that to me. Not to me, Ayu…not to me. You think that you are the only one who went through hell there? You think that you are the only one scarred for life? Do you think that you are the only one who escaped that hell hole? I died in there. My soul is forever lost. I am barely breathing through every day. I would give anything to put a bullet in between Sebastian’s eyes. What do you think I've been doing for the past three years? You think hiding selfless in a crappy apartment playing nurse to the old grandma across the hall? I was not normal. I hadn’t well in years now. I am a zombie that wanders off at night or that is how I feel. It is how pathetic I am in here. And every second in these years, I have dedicated myself to collecting evidence against Sebastian and his drug and human trafficking ring. I have hoards of incident reports, evidence and witness accounts that can send him to jail or even to his own death. We can bring him down Ayu. I can bring him down! I have sources and I have the skills to pull this off now. I am no more a doctor at heart but a killer! And you tell me that I owe nothing? Yes…you are true. I do not owe you anything. I owe myself the pleasure of seeing his doom. And in the process I am trying to save the only friend I have in my life from hers. So you shut the hell up!!’

By the end, I swear to God, I saw a tear escape her eyes. Only at that moment I realized how much of a jerk I've been to her. I've only been thinking about me. She was in there too. She escaped with me. I thought that once she escaped, she will be alright. It looks like after something like that… you don’t ever escape your inner demons.

‘Rachel…I … I ...’

‘You don’t talk Ayu. I might hurt you.’ She shut my mouth once again but now her voice was softer.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Rachel was not the same girl that was with me in there. She has become hard and ambitious. She didn’t even bother about keeping her head down. She had gone around chasing clues and ratting out rats to go against the person that ruined her entire life. She hadn’t even bothered about her safety. Was I selfish there too?

‘You have to stop thinking about dying Ayu…’ she walked up to me and put one hand on my shoulder. ‘You have too many lives depending on you. Some of us love you too much that even the thought of losing you hurts us. Some of us lost you for a long time that their lives haven’t really moved on. Now you cannot let us even think about losing you. Not now man…not now.’

I was conflicted now. My head was rocking to and fro and it wasn’t helping me in anyway. I had no idea what I was and if my actions will be, either right or wrong. Should I be convinced now? Should I back out of my decisions? What am I to do?

‘So that is it? You are going to stay silent and not even consider changing your mind?’

Tears started to escape my eyes and it indicated my thoughts clearly. I wasn’t going to change my mind because I knew that I had to pay. And Rachel seemed to have understood it too.

‘Hmmm… if that is the case, you stay put, figuring out wonderful ways to die. I am going now to find ways to save my best friend. And don’t worry Ayu… you don’t owe me anything too.’

And Rachel indicated hers too. Saying those words she walked off in a huff leaving me alone with the wonderful opportunity to get on with my crying. Only, I never got the chance to.

‘Oh…so you are here now? Are you going to try and talk some sense into her? You might as well jump off a cliff.’ Rachel’s steamy words suggested that someone else had come here too.

I turned around to find the one person I hoped to avoid until this whole thing was over but he had the worst timing when it comes to returning to my life.

Rocky stood there watching a raging Rachel walk away from here, lost and tired.

Wiping my tears that had escaped my eyes, I was trying to channel my cold attitude back on. He cannot see me weak. I wasn’t going to let him know that I doubt my decision and make it harder for him to let go of me than he feels already so to.

He slowly walked into the shack and all the while he was silent. Since I woke up he hasn’t even looked at me properly when all I wanted was to have him by my side. I don’t blame him though. He is in such a situation. He has his parents in deep trouble and just found that I was not so much of the innocent girl that was his friend. To expect him to come and talk to me, I mean even look at me was just too much on my part.

But that was the only thing I could think of besides dying. I was desperately in need of his approval about me. He was the one person that I always thought about whenever I had the thought about revealing the truth. His reaction to this was all I anticipated. Now to have him here and not even look at me was killing me slowly. And now that he was here, alone with me was giving me a small hope that might potentially kill me even more.

He was now only an arm’s distance away from me but he still hadn’t looked up to meet my eyes. Enraged and desperate, I started to talk.

‘So…you came here to stare at the floor? Or throw more shit at me about how my choice is wrong? None of you have any idea. Sparing me will not end this problem. He will keep coming back. Putting him down is not easy too. No one understands that I have to be eliminated and I have no other ways to save myself and save you. So go ahead, tell me how wrong I am. Go ahead, I am listening.’

Before I could anticipate the next word, he spoke out. After listening to him at my place, this is the only time I am hearing him speak to me.

‘You are wrong Ayu…you are so wrong.’ He was almost whispering and his voice travelled along with the slight breeze that was passing us by. ‘You have no idea how wrong you are that you have the persistence to keep talking about that and hurt all of us over and over again.’

His voice sounded broken and dry. I could tell that he had been crying right before he decided to come see me. What am I doing to my loved ones? Why am I still alive? Why did I have to see them all again? I slowly started to walk by to one corner of the room, with my hands clutching my stomach that was under pressure from all the guilt I was feeling while Rocky chose to continue.

‘You keep thinking that you are a single person. That you have no strings attached to yourself and that you can easily slip in and out of life. What you don’t realize is that you have managed to make an impact so deep in such a short time that life without you always seems abnormal. You have come into our lives and left an impression so detailed that to erase it, it takes a lifetime and I’m still not even past the start. Moving on after your departure is more like tearing off burnt skin and wishing that you would die before you finish the process. My metaphors may be lame but it implies every bit of what we feel.’

I was breathing heavy as every word registered in my brain. The metaphors implied enough alright but it implied something different from what he tried to mean though. Now my heart beat was rising because I knew where this was leading to.

‘Rocky… I…’ before I could continue, he walked past in me in a swift move and went to the corner of the room.

He went on his knees and started to take off the wooden planks on by one. Only now I noticed that those planks weren’t nailed to the ground like the others. I moved a little to see past his brooding shoulders what he was doing. I saw a hollow pit there, a small one that he was digging into. From there he pulled out a plastic bag and put it close to my feet in a huff of frustration. The muddy bag seemed huge and to contain a lot of stuff. What he had to do with this or what was in it, whatever it was…was something that’ll break me.

‘Open it… and see what you mean to me.’

With the pressure building up within me, I slouched on my hinges and worked on the rope that held the bag closed. Once I had it opened, the first instance I didn’t understand anything. All I saw at first was a bunch of sheet music and papers layering the top. The bag, however, was heavier than one that would contain just papers. I allowed my hand to scour through further and the first thing I touched me, hit me real hard.

I felt the texture of my favorite dress. I will know that dress even if I was blind by just brushing its fabric. He had saved it. Next to it, I felt a soft, fluffy object. Looking further I found it to be a teddy bear. I had never owned one when I was here but I always told him that I would want one no matter how old I was. He had bought one for me. Then I came across a bunch of odd stuff that made sense to me one by one. But the last thing that broke me was this…

I pulled a frame out of the bag. Unfortunately, while I was around, I never allowed them or gave them the chance to take a photo with me. I was always the shy one and I was still coming out of my shell. So there was no chance that he had a photo of us together. And I was right, it wasn’t. it was something much more sweet and it bring the tears I was holding back so hard out immediately.

He had made a graduation certificate in my name allowing him to have a moment where I would have actually done so if I was around.

‘Sister Benn helped me with it. It is official. We never took you off the name list for graduation and I received this on your behalf. We were never over you. I was never over you. I was not ready to let you go. Not then and most definitely not now.’

I was holding the frame in one arm while I let the other touch the glass astonished by the fact that my name was there, trying to feel that if it was real.

‘All of those papers and sheet music were songs that I tried to write for you. Every single one of them spells and weeps how much I missed you around here. They were sad, pathetic and desperate that I saved them all to show it to you when you come back and then later have a hearty laugh about it.’

‘You thought that I’d come back?’ I couldn’t help but ask him.

‘Of course I did…’ he was trying to hide the tears that were chocking him now. ‘I believed in it. I held onto that thought so badly that all I could think about, talk about or even dream about was to have you back. All I prayed for and hoped for and wished on a shooting star was always you.’

Listening to his words should’ve made me happy; instead I felt a surge of anger pulsating through my veins. Once I let out the words, I understood why.

‘If that was all you could think about…why didn’t you ever look for me? Why didn’t you scour through the entire universe and find me? Once you got your parents, you settled right? You never needed me…’

‘I was a kid back then Ayu…’

‘Well, you got your parents back. You could’ve asked their help. You could’ve asked for Sister Benn’s help. Man, you could’ve walked up to the cops yourself and told them that you suspect that I was kidnapped. You could’ve done anything!’

‘I could’ve! Yes…I sure could’ve. I didn’t because I never…I never actually…’

‘You never thought I would be kidnapped. You always figured that I would run away sooner or later. It was just a comfortable excuse that I had been providing you with since we knew each other. Well, yeah. No one knows me properly. No one judges me properly. No one gives me a chance. When anyone doesn’t, why should you?’

‘I have never ever thought that way about you. I will never too. And yes, I didn’t go and talk to the cops about this. I didn’t talk to my parents about it because I don’t trust them.’

‘What?’

‘Yes…I don’t trust my own parents. I don’t even know how much they care for me. They left me at a tender age when I needed them the most and then they come waltzing back in when they want and I am just supposed to accept them? I didn’t talk to them about you because I was the only one who knew you for you. I don’t love my parents Ayu and that is why I didn’t ask their help.’

I was bewildered by his words and I didn’t understand his implications. I, however, stood there listening to know where he was going with this.

‘I also didn’t look for you immediately because I was angry with you. Yes, you were always the time bomb that was going to go off at any moment so when you went missing, we naturally thought that you ran away. There were no traces of you anywhere and I was very angry that you would leave me and that too on my birthday! For the first year that you went away, I would yell and scream at anyone that even mentioned your name to me. I wasn’t ready to even think about as I was furious at you for leaving me. As days passed, however, my defenses broke down. And eventually one night, I ran away from home.’

My eyes widened and I let out a gasp almost immediately I heard the sentence. Looking at my expression, unusually, he was amused though. A slight smile crawled up on his lips as he continued.

‘I ran out to catch a bus to the next town to start a search for you. I was barely fourteen then but I knew exactly what I wanted to do. It’s the most clarity that I've ever had. I almost managed to do it too. Sean, however, figured out that I was missing and sneaked out right behind me. He stopped me right before I caught the bus. I thought I was going to get the worst thrashing that Sean could give. Instead, he hugged me tightly and kept saying only one sentence. ‘I thought I was going to lose you too.’ It was only then I decided not to add grief to the family that has already lost a member. No one knows this but me and Sean. Not even Deke does so. It was only then I told myself that you left forever. I didn’t accept it but I swallowed it enough to live the life and move on. Just tell me this Ayu…from what you had written; I could see that you had decided not to return to us ever since you were caught in there. When you decided that we were out of your life…is it wrong for us to decide you were out of ours?’

I had no answer for the last question of his. It was in fact the truth. My misplaced anger had ruined it once again and I had done another mistake. I hung my head in shame and dismay as I keep screwing up stuff for others. I just someone who cares for me so badly and I am going to hurt me further.

‘I never lost thought of seeing you again. I never lost the thought of our fates crossing paths again. I never lost you in my heart Ayu. What I never expected was that your life would be this way. Never mind. I don’t care. Nothing in this world stopped me from feeling what I felt for you since the day I met you… I always wanted to tell you this. I…’

And right then I knew I had to stop him.

‘Don’t do it, Rocky. Don’t you dare do this to me!’ Tears were gushing out of my eyes now. ‘I cannot have this from you. I know what you are going to say but I cannot have it. Not now. Not when I cannot have you. No…please.’

‘Who told you that you cannot have me? Who told you that you need to do all this? Why are you pulling out of my life when all I need is for you to stay?’

I had no answers for him. I turned around with my back to him, closing my eyes with my hands firmly so I can see and remind myself of the darkness that I should be in.

‘I will catch your every breath and store it in my heart.

 I will hold you closer and closer as you try to disappear into the dark.

 I will tear apart the obstacles to hold you forever with me.

 I will die if not able to live with you for all eternity.’

He had been moving close to me and I didn’t realize that over all my sobbing. I constantly kept mumbling the word ‘no’ as every word hit me hard. I couldn’t even breathe properly and right then, his arms flew around and held me firm, his cold breath on my back, breathing and heaving heavily. I was struggling hard to fight his hold. I've taken down thugs twice his size but for some reason I wasn’t able to let go off his hold around me. It was maybe because somewhere inside, I wanted to succumb to this. Without further ado, he turned me around in his arms and now I was face to face with him. I still had my eyes closed but his heart was beating against mine so hard, I wanted to just die at that very moment.

‘Ayu…open your eyes.’ He was now whispering to me. It was deep and sensual and it was arousing in every aspect.

‘No…’ I mumbled with the little bit of will power I had.

‘You will not regret this. You can give in to your feelings. Your denial is not going to make any difference in my stand. You know the truth and I know it too. I know you…’

‘You know me?’ eyes still shut tight, I cried my words out. ‘You knew me for three years of your life. That few days that we shared made you feel like this? Do you know who I am now? How being with me a can affect you? You might get killed in the process. You really want to feel this for a girl who can put your life into one endless chaos?’

‘It wasn’t my choice…it was fate…’

Those last three words triggered something in me. Ever since I had begun this journey called life, I had only one belief. Whatever happens, happened or will happen in my life was fate. It was one way of convincing me that things happen for a reason in my life. Even now, this whole charade, I believe it to be fate’s play against me. If fate can do all that to me, against me, is there a chance that it would do something for me?

I slowly opened my eyes to be face to face with him, his eyes keenly observing the movements of mine. His lips were quivering in anxiety and his heart was beating against mine. My eyelids fluttered in tension as I scanned his face inch by inch. I have never been this close to him and every muscle in my body wanted to close in on him not even allowing the air to pass through and separate us. His features were so beautiful my hands involuntarily started to move, touching his face, my fingers tracing his outline. He closed his eyes and reacted to my touch with a shudder. It was as if he was longing for me to do this for so long that a tear drop escaped his eye. When my fingers reached his lips, I, however, paused. I had to ask him something.

‘What did I interrupt you from saying a while ago? Can you tell me that now?’

His eyes opened with excitement and I could see the happiness in it, the same happiness I saw him have when we were kids. His smile radiated and his hold on me just got tighter. With a deep breath and a relieved sigh, he finally spoke.

‘I love you…’ And that was all I needed to hear to lose all my defenses.

I threw my arms around him and locked my lips with his with so much passion, I felt as if my insides were burning. He reciprocated with an emotion so similar only double of what I was feeling. His lips caressed mine and depleted them with his tongue while his hands wrapped me in a way that eventually I’d wish I’d die right here in his arms. I was onto him as well. I ran my fingers through his hair which now I know, felt silky and smooth and I also let them travel down his neck and back allowing more shudders to pass through both our bodies.

With my eyes closed, I felt every move his body was doing against mine. I knew exactly where his hands went and where his feet were and how he moved me against my will and the desire just kept increasing. Not before long into the kiss, when our breath was slowly being depleted, I felt his arms move around somewhere else. He came around, while still kissing me, took his hands to my hips and pulsated more of the lust into my stomach that was already churning because of it. He then moved up to my chest and started to trace my breasts slowly and steadily, sending down a tickle so intense that I wanted only more. Before I could moan, begging for more, his hands moved a little bit upwards and reached for the buttons of my blouse. Every ounce of my body was ready for it and it was only about a second left between letting him get inside of me and for us to become one. But right then, I did the most unusual thing.

I broke the kiss, I broke our hold and I pushed him away from me in an instant that it was blinding for both of us. After taking a moment to reconcile, I saw his face which was flushed with color and filled with confusion. With the heavy breathing I was doing, I couldn’t even imagine how I looked.

‘What happened? Did I do something wrong?’ he started to blurt out his words and continued to close down the gap between us. With every step he took towards me, I took a step back. Something was stopping me and I wasn’t talking about it.

‘Come on Ayu…don’t leave me hanging. I know you want this too. I felt it. When you were kissing me I knew it. I know you want it more than anything. Why not do it?’

I kept shaking my head in denial and I was pretty sure that I wasn’t doing a great job there.

‘Ayu…stop. You’ve punished yourself enough. We both have been punished enough. We can end all the misery by accepting each other. It may not be the most appropriate time. Still... We’ve been too far too long.’ He was back standing closer to me, close enough that I could feel his breath on my face. My heart was aroused again but my head was controlling it from doing so. ‘Come to me…become one with me. Give me the chance to make you feel what you really deserve to feel.’

His hand started to trace the side of my body and he built the effect again, when I finally lost it.

‘Give me a reason to live Rocky! Give me this one reason to live!’

Right after those words hit him, he stepped back almost that instant. He looked at me with eyes filled with concern and a smile that would imply the words ‘I told you so’ resoundingly. He knew my whole ‘I’m going to die’ charade was a ploy and he just felt incredibly proud to have broken me. He knew I wanted to live all along and he was just happy that I accepted it. I should’ve shut my mouth and let him take in this moment but good old me had to ruin it all again.

‘I am still giving myself up Rocky. Don’t go celebrating yet.’

His expression broke almost immediately and the grief that I've been witnessing lately took over.

‘But you just said…’

‘I know what I said. I want a reason to live. And it is you. All of you guys mean the world to me. Still, I am the same one who wrecked your world when everything was perfect. So I have to make it right.’

‘What are you trying to tell me?’ his voice was trembling now and I couldn’t bear to look at him that way.

‘I will give myself up but I will try to make sure that I save your parents and bring Sebastian down in the process. I promise that.’

A small sense of hope dawned in his face but a mask of uncertainty still loomed around. He was still not ready to believe my words. And he confirmed it when he asked me this question.

‘You’ll save my parents and maybe try to survive this or you’ll save my parents and definitely survive this? What are you promising me?’ his voice was stern and serious and he really wanted a favorable answer from me. It was only when I realized the entirety of the question, something hit me.

What did I do in my life that was so bad that I was punishing myself so much? I became a killer to only protect myself. I became a monster only to keep other such monsters at bay. The only mistake I did was to get kidnapped. And it was the most unfair incident that happened to me. An innocent kid was lost in a dark world and emerged twisted. That wasn’t the child’s fault. Why shouldn’t I get a chance at life? I have an amazing family, wonderful friends and a guy who loves me as madly as I love him. Why should death be my penance for a crime I never committed? Right then, I decided.

‘I will save your parents and I will survive all this.’

Rejoicing visibly, Rocky’s face finally lit up with delight. He immediately hugged me, so tightly that I couldn’t breathe at first. But none of it mattered to me. I had a life that I was blind to. Now nothing will stop me from having it. Not even Sebastian or Ethan or any other crook in this world.

‘I am so glad you saw clearly at last. God, Ayu…I don’t have to lose you again anymore. I got you babe…I got you.’

I hugged him back senseless, absorbing all his care and warmth inside me. I knew now what I've been missing all these years. He is the only one who can make me feel this way in spite of all these problems around me. He is my ‘the one’. The one for me…

‘Rocky…’ I whispered his name slowly close to his ears.

‘Yeah babe…’ he breathed hard against my face hoping we’d continue from where we left. But I wanted something else from him.

‘Will you hold me through the night? Just hold me close to you as tightly as possible till it dawns?’

I looked at him to reply to me with his wonderful smile, his eyes filled with love looking down on me, making me feel like the most important person in this entire world. Still entwined to each other, we sat down exactly where we were standing while Rocky supported us against the wooden wall that was remained behind us. I lay there, on his chest, listening to his constant heart beat which had a wonderful rhythm that was music to my ears. With his arms brushing against my back slowly, I was already drifting into a long due sleep.

‘Ayu…’ he slowly dragged. I nodded against his chest to acknowledge him. ‘I got to tell you something.’

‘Yes…’ I breathed heavily, an effect of being immersed in his love for me.

‘My real name is not ‘Rocky’. My name is Ryan. Ryan Harrow.’

I was already almost down under and these words slowly hit me. His name wasn’t Rocky but Ryan. I didn’t understand or wasn’t awake enough to understand why he would tell this to me right now. But I was aware enough to tell him this though.

‘I like the name ‘Ryan’. I am going to call you by that name from now on.’

A faint laughter escaped his mouth as he held me closer to him. That was the most adorable thing I heard and felt in a long time and the last thing I remember before drifting off into a deep, a very deep slumber.

Life was almost perfect.