Chapter Thirty

‘The demons, once possessed by them, they’ll never let you go.’

I remember these words very clearly. I've known them since childhood when Sister Benn spoke to us during a meet we had years ago. She addressed the importance of the choices that we might have to make in life and the possible consequences that we might face because of them. She called the wrong choices ‘demons’ as they tend to pull you down in life. I was much moved and impressed the way she spoke as she had the ability to make a kid like me understand concepts that comprised life in entirety. However, now looking at myself, I know for sure I failed her. I forgot her words. I forgot that I had to keep my demons at bay. I let them get to my life and now it’s only going downhill. What was even more ironic was the fact that, I found myself at her doorstep now…with the gun I shot Liam with.

I had begun running the other direction once I saw Rocky’s eyes. I knew I had disappointed him and I had let him down. Not just him, but everyone who thought that I am not a killer. I was and will always be one. That was the realization I had at that moment. I had no reason to kill him except for the fact that he tried to hurt my friends. Even if that enraged me, I could’ve hurt him the least possible way. Only if he had killed someone was I to resort to such a task. But I didn’t. My first urge was to kill. And so I did. If there was a place where people go once they die, I am definitely going to hell.

‘Ayu…are you alright?’ Sister Benn’s concerned voice hit me like a tide. It pulled me out of the thought process I was going through and helped me relax.

She noticed my hands and the gun that I was holding. Her expression changed to worry and she understood that something was terribly screwed up outside. Once she made eye contact with me, my strength and bravado broke down into pieces. Tears burst out and I let myself go, falling onto her, arms around and held her tight. She reciprocated by holding me back tightly and she stroked my hair slowly as I settled down.

‘I presume that you want to talk about something.’ Still holding me tight and letting me cry, she walked me in along with her.

We slowly made it to the couch and I hadn’t stopped crying even then. She took my face into her hands and held it delicately, flashing her smile to me, passing on every bit of comfort I could get. I shook myself out of my outbreak, gathered my composure and spoke.

‘I am going to give myself in.’

Terrified and caught completely off guard, she stared at me in shock. She didn’t expect me to give in so easily I believe. She thought I’d put up a fight or something or only I assume for her expression were screaming disappointment than shock. However, I am not really who people think I really am, am I?

‘What are you trying to tell me Ayu?’ she was trembling as she asked me the question.

‘You know exactly what I mean, Sister. It is only the right thing to do. I cannot stay around and be a danger for other people.’      

‘Are you insane? You cannot just give in to this ordeal. You cannot lie down and die. It is not right.’

‘I just killed a person in cold blood. I didn’t have to but I did anyway. I took advantage of my rage and acted upon a sheer irritation. I am a liability and a target for as long as these guys will be around.’

‘Then take those guys out.’ Sister’s voice started to grow more agitated. The fact of losing me somehow hit her hard. ‘Ending your life is not the solution here Ayu. Don’t you think you have people who care about you, who cannot bear to lose you? Imagine the state that you are putting them in. How will it be right in anyway?’

‘Nothing you tell is going to change my mind now.’ I brought my coldness out now.

She was dumbstruck. The tone of my voice was definitely something she didn’t anticipate. She knew I meant business now and that I was as hard as a shell that cannot be penetrated. She slowly asked me then ‘What else are you here for?’

‘I came here for another thing that I need you help with and I want this to be just between the two of us.’

‘And that would be?’

Taking a deep breath, I took a moment before I answered. I closed my eyes tightly as I didn’t have the strength to look her in the eye and tell this.

‘I know I've made a sin one too many. I know the redemption part is a farfetched concept for me at this point. There is no way left for me but downstairs. No matter how much I try, I cannot wipe my slate clean. But I do have one small thing in my life for which I would love to have some forgiveness for.’

Somehow I managed to open my eyes to see a wonder filled face of Sister Benn, waiting for me to spill out the words. With another deep breath, I let them all out.

‘How can I repent for breaking a promise to a close one?’

The angst filled eyes of Sister Benn calmed down as compassion and pity filled them now. She put her hands around me and held me closer. Feeling this, I lost control and my eyes flooded up again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting idle in your room, watching the skies and the sun shining brightly would be by definition, a perfect day. But today wasn’t a perfect day. It was perfect for a while. Holding onto the girl I love, lying down without any worried thoughts in our heads, taking in the sun, it all lasted about ten minutes in total. Then the hell opened its bullets upon us, claiming my girl whom I just saved from getting in there. It seems like hell wanted Ayu more than I do.

She had run off the other side almost immediately but I didn’t feel compelled to follow her. I knew, somehow, that she was going to be okay. It was the direction to the church and Sister Benn’s place. I assumed that she wouldn’t be harmed at those places. Even if she was to be, she was very much capable of taking care of herself. I felt that I needed to take care of my brothers now. Deke was visible shaken from the experience. Sean was traumatic just by listening to the story. I was sitting in my room now, in the corner I always find favorable for solitude. I hadn’t spoken to or tried to do something after I felt that they were all okay. I was anticipating the possible future and it wasn’t looking good.

‘Can I come in bro?’ Deke’s head showed up from outside the door. He seemed calmer and plain than his usual bravado. I figured he could use the company more than I needed to. I called him in and he took a place next to me in my corner.

‘I hope you are recovering.’ I put out a statement there so that he won’t feel awkward. But we were beyond a point where feeling awkward was even an issue.

‘I…I… I don’t think I am.’

His tone of voice took me by surprise. Never have I heard my brother speak in such a tone where he was this vulnerable. He has faced troubles before but he’s always put his best foot forward with all his guts. Guess a bullet shower can break you down into pieces and show you the thin veil between life and death. I wonder how many times Ayu touched that veil.

‘Hey bro is it okay if I ask you something?’ he was struggling to find the courage to talk to me.

‘Shoot.’

 ‘I need to know. Why do you love her? Why is it her?’

His question seemed very sudden but it was sincere. He sounded like he was trying to figure something out inside his head and somehow the answer to this question will make the job easier or something. It was difficult for him to ask the question but it was easy for me to answer.

‘I honestly never felt that way with any other girl. We were friends. We were really good friends. The way we got to know each other was sweet and the concern she showed at that point impressed me. In spite of being alone, with no one to go to amidst all that unwanted bullying and ignorance towards her, she showed compassion to everyone around her without prejudice. At first I felt compelled to repay her for the love she showed Grandpa but as I got closer to her, I found that she was broken just like I was. I hated the fact that our parents left us alone in the world. I hated the fact that our mom wasn’t able to even hold me longer, the way she did for you. Grandpa said that they loved me in spite of their untimely absence. How will I be able to believe something I never got to experience? The only bond I was able to create successfully was with you guys, my family. Anyone and everyone other than that, I despised them all. Until I found her, similarly damaged, closed and shelled up within.  She was never given a chance and I didn’t like to give any chance. She made me realize that the world outside was not so cruel after all. She was the first friend I had and I wanted to help her live life. The more she was around, the more I wanted to get to know her. I wanted her close to me. I felt as if she was the only one who can, I dunno, l liberate me and likewise. When she left, I mean was taken, I lost it. I lost her to the world and I couldn’t find a reason to put the blame on. Sometimes I held it against you just to ease my heart and let it move on into the future further. But no matter how much I tried to make new friends, go out on dates or even think about creating something, I could think only about her. I don’t really know if it was a choice or if it was involuntary, I would like to believe that it was fate. I am the one for her and she is the one for me. I cannot answer the ‘why’ part of the question because if you start asking why, then it’s not really love.’

A deep sigh escaped Deke’s mouth and I could see a little bit of clarity on his face. Suddenly, at that juncture however, I wanted to ask him this question.

‘Deke…you never answered this question from before. Why do you hate her?’

I caught him off guard as he swiftly turned to face me with an upsetting look on his face. My question seemed to have hurt him and I didn’t understand why as I had just stated the truth. He put his head down and let out another sigh before he started speaking.

‘I really don’t know if you remember this. Um…do you think you realize as kids we went to the beach to play Frisbee every weekend, just you and I?’

‘We did?’ I honestly didn’t have any recollection.

‘I thought so. Tell me this, have you and Ayu played Frisbee before?’

‘Yeah…we played every weekend. We have loads of fun and once we even got battered by some boys and I got…’ mid way I broke off and realized what I had just said. ‘You think I replaced you with her?’

‘I don’t think…I know. We used to be real close since you were a little kid. Being the closest in age to you even if Sean was just two years elder to you, he was forced to become the responsible one and you were mostly scared of him, you know, the way you will be scared of your father. I was the middle one. I played responsible when needed, I played funny when needed but the best of all was being the best friend for you when needed and trust me, you needed it almost every time.’

I was astonished at his memory of events that I never even had a trace of inside my head. Was I such a naïve kid?

‘You were shy and moody and as a kid, you wouldn’t even leave your room. I always have to come in, talk you down, and convince you like hell to make you take a bath. Even though you were a pain in ass, trust me you were, I enjoyed being that person you always count on and I took immense pride in it. When I noticed that you weren’t really getting along with other people, that’s when I took you to the beach and we made the Frisbee game a routine. Those were the only times that I saw you completely happy. When Grandpa passed, I knew you’d be broken. In fact, I didn’t speak to you a lot at that time for I was wondering how to console you and what the right words to use were. However, you found your own way.’

‘Ayu…’ I dragged her name slowly.

‘As you clearly don’t remember anything other than her in that part of your childhood, you might not remember this too. I wasn’t as offensive to her as I was later. I didn’t really see the necessity to talk to her the way you did. She was, of course, your friend. That was the reason I didn’t really speak to her. I didn’t hate her. In fact, I thought maybe she’d be the change you needed. And she was the exact change that I wanted for you. What I didn’t expect was the magnitude of the change.’

‘I forgot about you…’ guilt was ripping my throat out.

‘You didn’t forget me lil’ bro. You ignored me. You barely spoke to me once you started getting close to her and she was all you could talk about. Sean being the good guy he is, he loved the fact that you were happy but even he didn’t notice the distance that was being created between us. Mostly I put the rift in the middle myself with anger. I didn’t want you to stop talking to her but I was furious that she was the one factor that made you to stop talking to me. The only way I caught your attention was when I threw these tantrums about her. You may not believe it, but it was the only time you conversed with me about her. Even in all that rage against me, you never let her down once. I wondered if you ever did that for me to someone else but hey, you have to be an outsider for that shouldn’t you?’

His sarcasm struck me like lightning as I didn’t even realize that I had done this to my brother.

‘I can’t really blame you. I mean, you were a kid trying to make a new friend. But man, I was a kid too. I was a kid who wanted his little brother to just look up to him and need him as a friend. Was that too much to ask?’ his voice started to tremble a bit at the end and it only shook me more.

‘Why didn’t you tell me any of this? I could’ve rectified myself properly.’

‘I did bro…’

‘What? When did you?’

‘After Ayu was taken and when we returned home, you sat in this very same corner and kept staring at the sun. You yelled at me repeatedly saying that it was because of me and I couldn’t take the fact that I did this to my little brother. I sat right next to you the same way and apologized for being a reason for her to run. I explained my side, on why I didn’t talk to her and all but you never replied. I think you didn’t even notice that I had come and sat beside you and that I was talking to you. You were completed out of your mind. I saw how much it hurt you in the days that followed. That’s when my anger grew much more upon her. I despised her to the core.’

‘So that is why you never spoke to her when we saw her again?’ I started placing the pieces together.

‘How will I forgive her? How do you expect me to? She left us in the middle just like that. She left you mourning for days in this room of yours wondering about where she was. She ran away because of me and she didn’t even confront me on it, letting me live this guilt deep in my heart every day. I hated her for all of the things she did to us by leaving. It nearly broke us apart. If the music hadn’t come into our lives, I honestly believe we will not be together right now. Then she gets to walk into our life once more like nothing really happened? When we were kids, I didn’t talk to her out of jealousy. When we were re united I didn’t give a damn about her because she was the bitch that hurt my brother and let my family suffer by running away and I could never forgive her for that. Well, we were all in for a surprise weren’t we?’

I was sitting there, searching through my head for all the possible indications that I’d have something inside, embedded deeply inside, that would help me remember at least one of the incidents that Deke had told me. I couldn’t find even one of them and that realization broke me into two. How could I be so unfair to my brother? He had been and still is there for me in every way possible and I had been this stupid kid obsessed over this new shiny thing in life that once I possessed it, I forgot my most favorite toy. I don’t blame him completely or Ayu for this mess. It was entirely on me.

‘I am sorry…’ was all I could manage before I let my tears take over the control.

He put his hand around my shoulder and pulled me closer, laying his hand on my head in comfort. ‘I am sorry too brother. I hurt you and Ayu a lot. I am extremely sorry.’ And right then, he lost his control to the tears too.

Through the corner of my eyes, I casually noticed someone being visible outside the room. With a better look, I saw Sean, standing just outside, with his head rested on the door. If I didn’t know any better, he had listened to the entire conversation and he’s crying at the moment too. In spite of all of us bawling our eyes out, I managed to pull out a smile from somewhere. ‘We Are Three’ is what we call ourselves but we haven’t been that team for a while. We were together yet so far in terms of emotions. We were there but we really weren’t ever since our parents came back actually. Despite the situations around us, I could gladly confirm something that I think we were escaping the validation on for so long.

‘Were we actually a family anymore or we were on the verge of breaking apart completely?’

I’d say right now…that we were complete.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was pretty weird for me and felt completely out of place. It wasn’t exactly the kind of a place where I would want to be, in the midst of guns and blasts and death. But I know why I was here. I was here for my best friend. Ayu is such a good person; I still couldn’t believe the fact that she can be this cruel. With the latest news that she shot a man right on his forehead at point blank range shook me to my core and I am now conflicted beyond belief. I was scared out of my wits so badly that I wanted to run out of this place as soon as possible but I wanted to stay and make sure that Ayu was alright. What bothered me was, how was I gonna survive? I am just Mia Sanders, the college girl not Ayu, the janitor/master assassin. I was torn between concern and fear and it was killing me.

Also then there is Deke. That poor soul is hurt equally being the real victims here. Even in this short term that we were together, I've come to like him for who he is and have developed a certain sense of care for him. If I leave, I will be abandoning him in his hour of need as well. This feeling sucked ass.

‘Are you okay?’ I turned around to find Rachel standing at the door.

‘Gosh! Rachel! You startled me.’

‘You looked startled even before I could call out to you. You don’t look so good. Are you sure you are alright or do you need a doctor or something?’

It wasn’t some kind of a secret to hide from her. I actually think she already knows and is just being polite to me.

‘I am scared Rachel. I am out of my mind crazily scared and I have no idea about how this is going to end. The suspense over the fate of these good people is killing me to the core. I want them all to be safe and sound when this is over. I want you and Ayu especially to survive all this. But the way things are going, I am not really having the confidence within me to stay strong.’  

She silently looked at me and maintained a constant contact directly with my eyes. I could tell that she was determined. I could also tell that she was scared, in fact terrified for Ayu and the boys the same way I was. I wasn’t really feeling comfortable with her staring at me that way. It was as if she was seeing through me.

‘Rachel. Why are you staring at me in such a ridiculously scary way?’

She came a little bit closer to my face and placed herself right next to it so that she can talk about something to me very discretely. I wondered what is it that another master assassin could ask me, a college girl, under such circumstances, with such privacy. The reply however, was the one question that completely floored me.

‘Do you want to help me save them all from this ordeal?’

It was a no brainer. Of course I do.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t want to disturb anyone or let them know that I had returned as I made my way into the home. It was still afternoon and the sun was all over the place. So being discrete was a little bit harder than usual. However, I made excellent progress and I made it to my room almost immediately. What waited for me there was the most unexpected of the events that I anticipated for.

I gasped hard at the very moment I noticed Deke standing inside me room.

‘Hey. Sorry to startle you.’ He replied to my gasp? He REPLIED??

I was searching for words and not one of them seemed to pp up into my head. It generally isn’t hard to form a word out of the 26 damn alphabets that make up the English language is it? As I was struggling within, he seemed to have noticed it and eased up my job.

‘Listen…you don’t have to talk. You don’t even have to look at my face this whole time. I would really appreciate it if you could just listen to what I have to tell you.’

The composure that he held onto as he spoke caught me off guard. I've always seen him as this hot headed person when it comes to dealing with me. I had no idea what to tell him and I just managed to acknowledge him with a nod.

‘I haven’t really been the friendliest person to you and I am positive that I have never actually had a real conversation with you. It began with jealously, the fact that my younger brother got a new best friend and that he ignored me and it continued with rage, how you left us and ran away. I got blamed for your absence because I was the only factor that kept you from fitting in with this family. I never gave you acceptance. That was all before I got to actually know what really happened to you. As a kid, I was an ass. I was jealous and I might have potentially at least given you thoughts about running away. But when we reunited, I should’ve given you a chance to explain yourself. I was playing the smart ass now and how bad that back fired huh? All I want to say is that I am sorry that I judged you badly. I may have fought with you for becoming family but what I fought within myself is that I couldn’t accept that you were already a part of us.’

None of the words that came out of his mouth was what I expected from him. I was speechless and minutes away from crying. He slowly started to walk past me to exit the room while he suddenly stopped behind me and spoke again.

‘I know it doesn’t bring back all the years we missed or repairs the relationship that we never managed to build. For what it’s worth, if he puts a gun in my hand, I will never pull the trigger.’

And then I lost it. I almost immediately threw myself at him and hugged him as tightly as possible. I wasn’t crying yet as I tried to maintain my calmness so that I could relish every single moment of this incident. Right then, he hugged me back and the way that he did assured me that he no longer hates me and that I was completely part of the family now. The family that I would gladly die for.