Chapter Twenty Six

Being the elder one in the family meant staying strong.

When peril was everywhere to be seen and feared, you always have to step up to the task and guard the younger ones. Being the elder one meant even if the entire world comes crumbling down; you have to carry it all on your back. Most of all, being the elder one meant bearing all the pain.

And I didn’t know if I could do it anymore.

What we all thought was a random event had unfurled itself into this deceiving and scheming ruthless game that we all have been playing without us even realizing it. As every piece of this sadistic puzzle is placed, my heart keeps sinking deeper and deeper. All that it can see right now is darkness and all it can feel is suffocation.

I look around the room where we are now. We had almost lost Ayu a while ago to a seizure. The doctor and the two nurses at the last minute got her back with a high charged defibrillator. She had become conscious as a result of the shock and looked at all of our worried faces almost for a minute before passing out again.

The doctor who had mended her, our in house doctor that is, told us that her system was reacting to the morphine that was given to kill the pain. Ever since we got her in she had been under close scrutiny. According to the doctor, the bullet hadn’t ruptured anything serious but it had caused enough blood loss. Right now she was being subjected to blood, fluids and she was finally resting. The doctor also told us that she will be up in an hour.

Forty five minutes had passed. Fifteen minutes persisted among us.

Ever since the doctor said that and left, we’ve all been perched in our own sweet corner. My family and my friends were immersed in so much sorrow that would last a life time and I was there, standing there, not able to do anything.Night did fall and it is way past any of our bed times. I am not sure but it must be just five past three am. I have personally never stayed up till three for anything in my life for a long time. Right now, sleep is the last thing on our minds but still, the last time I had stayed up until up after three am was when Mom had given birth to Deke.

Mom…

The realization of the fact that I had thought about her hit me late and hard. My head was filling itself with thoughts and images gruesome and pathetic that I hoped every bit of it to never be true. She was in pain for sure. If not physically, emotionally she was undergoing trauma every second that she is stuck there. She was stuck there and I had no idea what she was going through. My thoughts were pushing itself to make me believe that she might actually be dead.

Don’t worry Sean. She is with Dad.

Dad…

My father. Our father. He was in trouble too. Come to think of it, he had always been in trouble. For the time he had been away from us, he had been such a bad person that when he came back, his problems followed him too. He was responsible for all the pain that I was feeling, all the pain that I was witnessing. He was what brought this family apart and that too he did it twice without his knowledge. Yet, the anger that needs to be showcased upon him is nowhere to be found.

Why blame only him? Mom left us too. She wasn’t responsible either.

But I wasn’t angry with her too…

They are our parents after all…

Of course! They were our parents after all. The parental bond that every child feels was holding all the anger back. However, that was just one side of my thoughts. The other side was denying every consolation I was giving it to ease up. It kept asking me questions that I couldn’t find answers for. Questions for which I couldn’t find answers or questions that I didn’t want to find answers for.

If they were such good and sincere parents, why did they leave? After having three children why did have to dump them with their Grandpa and go away? To do what? If they wanted to be carefree and irresponsible why have kids in the first place? If they were selfish enough to set their priorities first, why not kill us and leave? Clearly we were holding them back…

I shut my eyes in a wild attempt to shut my mind from thinking further. My thoughts were enraged and it was not a good sign. I had to be calm and composed. I was the elder one and I had to be so for the sake of my younger brothers; my family.

Family…

Now, this is the most overrated word that is in existence. No matter how independent you think you are or you want to be, you are always entitled to a family. A burden, a sense of guilt, loads of irritation, and tones of criticism is all one package deal called family. But the harsh truth is that, all of this make a family perfect. Without each other, the other one will detonate. If all of this in your life…you are close to perfection. ‘As imperfect as a family is, as perfect their relationships are’ is what I believe.

At least that was what I believed.

To see my family scattered across various places, physically and mentally was weighing down on me in ways that I couldn’t imagine. My parents are liars, my friend is victim of circumstance and my brothers and I are the ones reaping the extended benefits.

My brothers…

Rocky was on his hinges, opposite to me, his back to the wall, his hands cradling Ayu’s diary close to his chest. He was rocking himself to soothe his nerves and convince himself that the dawn will be for the better. More than any of us, he was the one hurt physically much more. The doctor said that his concussion might act up if he doesn’t rest. The head injury he sustained during the fight was minimal and it was stitched up but that injury just added more concern to his previous concussion.

He will not rest. I knew that much about my brother. Out of the three of us, Rocky was the fierce one. He always lets his emotions get the best of him. He is biased towards his heart rather than is brain and it has cost him a lot more than he realizes. When he realized that we had no parents, he changed himself in ways that I didn’t think was possible for such a young age. When Ayu left, I mean taken, he underwent one of those drastic changes that he is always prone to, thereby changing his image completely.

And now, he’d gotten her back but only to find things aren’t really what it seemed like when they were 13 years old. She had changed in ways unimaginable and he had realized that he was in love with her. Until she opens her eyes, he will not close his to rest. I also know that I cannot persuade him to sleep because I know my brother and the possible outcome. All I can do is pray that 15 minutes moves on faster.

Next to me stood Deke and Mia, balancing themselves with their backs to the wall. He had his arms around her, giving her the warmth that she needed while she battled to accept her best friend’s status just like all of us. ‘She’ll be okay…she’ll be fine…she’ll wake up.’; he kept repeating, whispering it into her ear. She was nodding faithfully, keeping her tears at bay, finding strength in his soothing words. She was making sure that she herself believed that completely.

The most unforeseen event of it all was the fact that Deke was showing emotion. It is not that he is emoting but the people he is emoting for. He was always this ‘I’m too cool to be caught hugging or weeping’ kind of a guy. He always wanted to be the cool one among the three of us and none of us stopped him from trying. The way he’s been acting ever since this issue started, it seems like he’s been bursting with emotion. All the emotions that he’d bottled up all these years being or trying to be the cool one was all coming out at the same time.

I also see that he is awfully close with Mia. It is as if he has found her to be the one for him and he’s holding on to her too tight fearing the possibility that he might have to let go. I had, to be honest, only a little idea about what Deke’s emotions were capable of. Especially how he reacted to Ayu’s return baffled me. In fact, he seemed to have understood about all of us more than we can understand ourselves in times to come.

‘So…how are you feeling?’

That is a very good question. Only, I don’t have anyone to ask me that.

Being the elder also meant one more thing. You are always alright or at least that is how they assume you to be. The fact that you need to be there for the others and no one would actually be there for you just sucks. It is not fair. But that is the truth. Sometimes you have to be strong for others and sacrifice your inner wishes.

‘Oh…Screw That!’

I cannot be like this anymore. I cannot breathe anymore. I need to yell out and scream about all that I am feeling. I want to tear myself apart, piece by piece, until there is not a part left in me to feel any pain because I have had enough pain to last a lifetime. I want to get down on my knees, scream my prayers out loud so that the heavens would finally even notice this atrocity. I want to bawl until my throat gives away and cry until my tears cease in the arms of somebody…anybody…that I love.

‘Claire…’

That was the last thought that I needed. I couldn’t stand in that room anymore. Sprinting out of the room, my cheeks were already wet. The tears needed the final trigger point and that was it. Reaching the front yard, I collapsed at the door steps, crying my heart out.

‘WHY WOULD ALL THIS HAPPEN TO US???’ I was screaming up to the heavens only to receive my echo back as an answer.

No one seemed to have followed me outside and I thank them for not doing it. This wasn’t my best face and I wasn’t brave anymore. Being the elder one, my vulnerability shouldn’t scare the others. They understood that I needed the space and they gave it to me.

To have a family and then watching it go down into flames slowly was the most personal hell that you can experience while you are alive.Gaining composure after that was even worse.

As I was immersed in my unstoppable tears and incomplete thoughts, I heard footsteps approaching me. I quickly hid as much as I could and wiped off my tears from my face. By the sound I suspected it to be heels. Mia doesn’t wear heels and so there was only one rational explanation.

‘Rachel?’ I turned around my head to find her standing, watching over me.

‘You are Sean, right?’ she seemed genuinely doubtful, so I acknowledged it.

‘May I?’ she asked pointing to the space on the stair that I was sitting on. I really didn’t want anyone to see me this way but a companion wouldn’t hurt too.

Se gracefully took her place next to me, completely unlike her appearance. Draped in dark colors, she almost looked similar to how Ayu seemed today. They both were in that mess together and yes, it toughened them up. Looks can be deceiving and these two girls were the perfect example for that.

‘You actually dropped your wallet…it fell from your pocket as you left.’ She cleared her throat as she started to speak.

‘Oh…Thank you.’ It was all I could manage as I got it from her.

‘I am sorry if I am intrusive, but that is a pretty girl.’

I almost immediately turned around to her and met her eyes in a state that would’ve suggested that I was appalled by the fact that she had actually looked into my purse.

‘I didn’t mean to open it…it fell open. I just merely looked at it while I picked it up. I am sorry if I had invaded your privacy.’ She replied as if she had read my thoughts.

I slowly looked down at the wallet in my hands and opened it up to meet Claire’s eyes glowing in happiness. It was the picture that we had taken during our first anniversary since we started dating. We had escaped to Miami for the weekend, an offer that I had won in the ‘Lucky Dip’ at the fair. I actually had hit the ultimate prize and it was exactly at the right time too. She was so happy that we got the chance and she was delighted that we had gone out for a year. It was also the first time we were out of our small world and we were out on our own without any known faces around us or in our town. It was the closest we’ve ever been till then. It was also the first time we made love to each other. Her warmth over my body and mine over hers was one feeling that I can never forget. Right now, I wish I had her here, holding me completely, giving me no chance to feel any pain as she’ll be soothing it. Another tear drop escaped my eye while Rachel straightened up in her position next to me. That was my cue to come back to reality.

‘I am really sorry. I should’ve known better when no one followed you out here. I should’ve given you your space. I’ll just leave.’

As she got up however, I started to talk. ‘How do you know us so well anyway?’

Realizing my intentions, she stayed back and returned an answer.

‘If there was one thing Ayu could do very well, it was speaking about you guys. Ever since we got close, all she could talk to me was how much she missed you, how good you were, how caring Sean was, how lovely Rocky was, how she regretted missing to make a connection with Deke, how she failed you by leaving, how she should die for her mistake…’

‘The last two allegations are unacceptable!’ I almost yelled out ‘It wasn’t her fault. She was taken.’

‘Try telling that to her boss. Her whole ‘suicide’ plan to die while training to become an assassin started because of that thought. To her surprise, that training turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her.’

‘And the worst…’ I dragged.

‘And the worst…’ she agreed with me.

My eyes fell on the photo once again and unusually, one question popped up in my head.

‘Were you ever in love, Rachel?’

She was a little surprised with me, considering the situation that we were in and how inappropriate the question seemed. To ease the discomfort, I clarified my intention behind the question.

‘I didn’t mean to invade your privacy. It’s just that…Ayu is doing all this because of two things. She thinks that she has nothing to lose and she needs to save my parents. She might think that she has no ties but it is way too obvious that she loves us and is bound to us. I was just wondering why you were taking such a risk in helping her out…don’t you have a family? Aren’t you in love with anyone?’

With a sweet smile taking over her calm face, she replied ‘I am truly, deeply, madly in love with a person, which is why I need to do this. So thatthe person will see what a huge mistake all this is. I am also obliged to Ayu for all her efforts to save me from that pit. Hence, this is my way of repaying that debt.’

I still couldn’t process the first part of her answer. It could only imply only one thing. ‘You were in love with someone on the bad guy’s side?’

Replaying the events that happened earlier I also found out who it was. ‘You are in love with Ethan, aren’t you?’

Her smile widened a little in acknowledgement but her eyes now showcased abundant pain. I clearly knew that I had pulled up the wrong topic to talk and I just put my head down in shame. She, surprisingly, took the wallet from my hand and looked deeply at the photo in it. Claire was sitting on my lap, her arms around me, while I clicked the picture myself. She stared at it intently and spoke out finally after taking a deep breath.

‘You miss her, don’t you?’

I could see that she was remembering whatever memories she had made inside that hell hole. In the midst of all the hardships that she had faced, she had managed to find love. She had been able to give love and take love. Ethan had been a guy who had feelings for someone and I could now see that it was still there for her. Gradually pulling up my composure, covering my misery, I replied.

‘I do… every second. She is my outlet. She is the one other person I can open up to. I have my brothers. I can talk to them but mostly I have to be strong for them. I cannot be weak. When I need to be, she’s been there for me…’

‘Except now…’ she completed my sentence

Even though that fact kills me, I did realize one more thing.

‘I know I miss her but I am also glad that she is far away from here. I am thankful that she is safe beneath her own roof and far away from all this brutality. If I survive this…I need her to be there waiting for me.’

A single tear escaped my eyes but this time it was because I was relieved. I actually had a reason more than my family, outside of my family, to survive. I had the motivation to get back to my future family. This was what I had to live for beyond my own family. I have someone else dependent on me too.

This revelation brought some calm within me. But then, I got agitated more when I noticed Rachel’s face. It was expression less and frail, all that bravado she had showed while she fought the bad guys or stitched herself up was completely missing. She was the vulnerable girl who was taken away from her world now. I kind of figured out what she was feeling too. I laid my arm upon hers and reassured her. She was startled at my gesture but was desperate for some comfort and so she obliged.

‘I know what you are thinking. I want you to understand just this. If your love was true and if you deserve it…you will always get it back no matter where you are.’

She flashed one of her subtle smiles at me and nodded her head in acknowledgement.

For a moment…both of us didn’t speak. I just then realized that I had spoken to a complete stranger whom I barely knew before this morning. Hell, I still don’t know anything more than the fact that she was with Ayu and that she is her friend. Come to think of it, it is all that she knows about me too. But we just had a chat that I would’ve had with my brothers. It had the same intensity. How is that possible?

‘Because Ayu knows the two of you…’

My conscience echoed the answer loud and clear. It was only because Ayu knew the two of us, we seem to know each other and feel comfortable. The same thing happened with Mia. She was with her and now, Deke cannot seem to let her go. We are also not so far away as friends. Even the beginning of this journey was because of her. Ayu was the one that joined us all. 

If I had realized this, Ayu would have too. She was always a smart little girl. But that will also mean that her decisions towards this issue will be drastic. She was already all set to give up her life just to save our parents. There are other ways to save our parents and her death was not the solution for that. But it will be the solution to the revenge plan that Sebastian has devised for her.

She will feel responsible. She does clearly. She hasn’t changed a bit. Whatever happens to any of us, she’ll always find a way to pin it on herself and feel for it. This in a way was because of her but no one will blame her for this but herself.

She is now asleep but when she wakes up she is going to get back to her impulsive self and think every drastic solution possible. She is going to hurt herself and also hurt others who are around her. She will try and sacrifice herself and she will put herself in between us and every bullet that would be directed at us. When she wakes up, she’ll go nuts.

‘Sean…Rachel…’ an excited yet anxious Mia came running outside calling our names. We turned around to find her expression almost completely delighted.

‘What happened?’ Rachel asked curiously.

‘She’s moving…she’s waking up!’

I have decided. When she wakes up…I am not letting her think. When she is completely up, I am going to be the elder one and protect her.

When she wakes up…I will make sure she stays up that way.